communicating effectively

*we react to events with both thoughts and feelings.
feelings are emotions, and sensations and they are different
from thoughts, beliefs, interpretations and convictions.

*be specific, rather than general about the way you feel.
specify the degree of the feelings, as you will reduce the
chances of being misunderstood.


*RESPECTFULLY confront someone when you are bothered by his
behavior.
_EXPRESS DIFFICULT feelings without attacking the self-esteem
of the person.
**Communicate difficult feelings in a manner that minimizes
the other person's need to become defensive, and increase
the likelihood the person will listen.


I feel statements vs I Messages

I feel... Ex: "I felt embarassed when you told our friends how
were pinching pennies" or "I liked it when you helped with the dishes
without being asked" or "I feel hurt and dissappointed you forgot
our anniversary."


vs


I messages

*it's called an I message because the focus is on you, and the message
is about yourself. this is in contrast to a You message which focuses
on and gives a message about the other person.
_when using I messages you are taking responsibility for your own
feelings, rather than accusing other people of making you feel that way.


---there are 4 parts to an I message
1) When...describe the person's behavior you are reacting to an objective,
non-blameful, and non-judgemental manner.
2) The effects are... Describe the concrete or tangible effects of the
behavior. (this is the most important part for the other to undestand...
your reaction.)
3) I feel... say how you feel. (this is important to prevent the buildup
of feelings.)
4) I'd prefer...tell the person what you'd rather or what you'd prefer
but you can omit this part of it is obvious.